Vikes should beware

NEW ULM -- The last time a Buffalo Bill came through this neck of the woods, the star player was named Annie Oakley. The only alcoholic beverage served at the coliseum where the entertainment was staged consisted of fortified quinine that promised to cure gout, lumbago and any goiters that appeared during leap years.

Today marks just the third time in 40 years the football Bills have played the Minnesota Vikings (6-0) in our glacial backdraft, losing both previous matches. The real history between these two teams consists of eight failed Super Bowls, or two less attempts than it took Thomas Edison to invent the magnetic can opener.

After last year, the Bills eliminated some history in a youth (re: rebuilding) movement that got rid of 69 years of NFL experience at seven positions. In contrast, the only way the Vikings would lose 69 years of experience is if kicker Gary Anderson retired.

The purge has allowed the Bills to have a rushing attack where the leading rusher is the now injured Rob Johnson, who leads the team with a breathtaking 197 yards. Vikings' running back Robert Smith has gained that many falling backwards during a tackle.

The only chance the Bills have today lies in backup quarterback Doug "Rootie Kazootie" Flutie, who has played about as long as Anderson. His diminutive size also allows his theme song to be "Follow The Yellow Brick Road" as opposed to "Whoomp, There It Is."

However, be forewarned: Flutie knows how to quarterback. He's 17-8 as a starter, can scramble and still has a great arm, so if the Vikings decide this is the week to roll out the nap mats on the sideline, the Bills can pull off an upset, running game or not. The Bills are young, but quick, and their defense has looked decent at times this year. Vikings by 7.

Chicago Bears (1-6) fans wish there was some revisionist history that would explain why the Bears stink. Quarterback Cade McNown is the main reason, as evidenced by two big selling bumper stickers seen in Chicago, "Start Seeing Receivers" and "Visualize A Completion, World Peace Will Take Care Of Itself." If only his throws were as on target as the stickers.

The Bears spent money on defense, thinking last year's offense would continue. So now neither one is any good and they travel today to see how good they can make the Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) look.

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is coming into his own, and the defense is in the middle of the NFL pack, which should be good enough to beat the Bears. The main problem in Philly is the atrocious turf in Veterans Stadium, where there have been more injuries due to the field conditions than any other stadium in the league.

Knowing Bears fans, they'll probably hope McNown finds one of those seams. Eagles by 7.

And, the guide to the rest of the mess...

DENVER (4-3) at CINCINNATI (0-6) - One upside to when the Bengals eventually win: we'll finally see some of those pigs fly. Broncos by 10.

NEW ORLEANS (3-3) at ATLANTA (2-5) - What? A full house in Atlanta? Oh, they gave away free tickets to anyone name Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Jim Bob, or Bubba. Saints by 3.

NEW ENGLAND (2-5) at INDIANAPOLIS (4-2) - Patriots QB Drew Bledsoe sacked so much this year he's endorsing a line of pancake flippers. Colts by 7.

ST. LOUIS (6-0) at KANSAS CITY (3-3) - Too bad you can't get a frequent flier mile for every yard Rams QB Kurt Warner throws. You could fly round trip to Minot five times. Rams by 10.

TENNESSEE (5-1) at BALTIMORE (5-2) - Ravens QB Tony Banks starting job shakier than a bowl of gelatin in a '71 Pinto on a gravel road. Titans by 3.

SAN FRANCISCO (2-5) at CAROLINA (2-4) - The only question is which team better deserves black armbands. Panthers by 3.

SEATTLE (2-5) at OAKLAND (5-1) - If Beethoven's hair shows he had lead poisoning, who knows what's in Raiders owner Al Davis' strands. Raiders by 7.

CLEVELAND (2-5) at PITTSBURGH (3-3) - Don't know if this will be more exciting than soccer, but the score will be about the same. Steelers by 1.

WASHINGTON (5-2) at JACKSONVILLE (2-5) - Redskins owner Daniel Snyder thought "The Exorcist" was based on his ability to make heads spin before they roll. Redskins by 7.

MIAMI (5-1) at N.Y. JETS (5-1) - The subway World Series and Monday Night Football in New York at the same time? What's next? Mike Tyson and Richard Simmons on Broadway in "The Odd Couple?" Jets by 3.

Column by Dave Clark, Journal sports writer